Getting Real

It's been an emotional few days.  I was looking extremely forward to our ultrasound last Monday.  All went well with that - baby looks healthy and all is as it should be.  And we found out it's a boy.

Wow.  A boy.  Brian and I stayed pretty quiet the remainder of that appointment.  As well as the remainder of that day.  We'd both been hoping for a girl.  And not getting what I was hoping for and expecting left me rather somber.

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing against boys.  I LOVE my boys to death!  I'm just left awfully confused.  Since having Hollyn, a part of me doubted whether I could handle the pregnancy thing again.  It's rather torturous for me (and Brian) to be SO sick for SO long.  And is it even responsible for me to knowingly get myself into a situation where I can't parent the children I have?  Isn't that wrong?  Anyway, I had my doubts, but also thought, "if again, just one last time."  And when I'd have those latter thoughts, I felt to a degree that there was a little girl waiting.  At the very least, I felt done with boys.  I was ready to give away for good the boys clothes, to weed out the boy toys as Asher outgrew them.  When I picked out new things for Hollyn like her carseat and cloth diapers, I almost allowed myself to choose girl-themed patterns.  I was SURE there would be no more boys.  It was just a feeling.  But, being practical, thankfully I didn't act on those suspicions, ya know, just in case.

Then upon getting pregnant at a time when Brian and I have been fervently praying for other blessings, I was consoled by the fact that I was pretty sure this was Hollyn's sister.  Since Hollyn was born I've kept all her outgrown clothes out, accessible, because I had a hunch I may need them again soon enough.  I was consoled that we'd be perfectly split - 2 brothers, 2 sisters.  The bedroom arrangements would be perfect.  I had plans for Hollyn to share with her sister.  I felt that I could handle the delay or NOT getting the blessings we've been praying for, because at least this little surprise would be a girl.

So here I am.  Not yet, if ever, getting what we've been praying for, and now expecting a child that I wasn't prepared to fit into my vision of our family.  And I'm confused.  Where did all those feelings and impressions come from the last 21 months?  How am I going to cloth him, since my sister is expecting a boy as well 2 months before me?  Where is he going to sleep?  How will he have the bond with his older brothers that they share with each other, when he'll be so much younger than them?

And I'm sad.  I realized that those clothes Hollyn outgrew, well, I guess I can take those out of the house. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye to them.  To love them through only one daughter wearing them.  To have only Hollyn's hair to make pretty. If I had thought for one second that she might be my only daughter, I would have tried to appreciate these things more.  I can't stress enough how sure I felt that there would be another girl (which would be this one, since it was to be my last.)

The day after my ultrasound, I had a grieving day.  I'm pretty good at reminding myself of the good in order to shrug off the disappointing, in general.  But last Tuesday I just felt like feeling the sad feelings.  Everything remotely disappointing in my life bubbled to the surface.  I'm sad about medical/health challenges.  I'm sad about life situations.  I'm sad that Brian didn't get into the Navy after he distinctly felt like that was supposed to be what he did with his life.  I'm sad we've had to deal with the same trials our ENTIRE marriage.  Overcoming something, ANYTHING would feel so good.  Or so I imagine. And I'm sad that my impressions and expectations could be so very, very off.

So Tuesday I didn't answer the phone.  I didn't chat with friends.  I just felt.  And cried.  And prayed.  And by the end of the day, as I thought about yet another disappointing aspect of having a little boy, a thought popped into my head of a counter blessing in my life that far, FAR outweighs the disappointing thing.  And I just can't help it.  Apparently, I can't help thinking of all the good in my life, even when I try. :-)