Getting Real

It's been an emotional few days.  I was looking extremely forward to our ultrasound last Monday.  All went well with that - baby looks healthy and all is as it should be.  And we found out it's a boy.

Wow.  A boy.  Brian and I stayed pretty quiet the remainder of that appointment.  As well as the remainder of that day.  We'd both been hoping for a girl.  And not getting what I was hoping for and expecting left me rather somber.

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing against boys.  I LOVE my boys to death!  I'm just left awfully confused.  Since having Hollyn, a part of me doubted whether I could handle the pregnancy thing again.  It's rather torturous for me (and Brian) to be SO sick for SO long.  And is it even responsible for me to knowingly get myself into a situation where I can't parent the children I have?  Isn't that wrong?  Anyway, I had my doubts, but also thought, "if again, just one last time."  And when I'd have those latter thoughts, I felt to a degree that there was a little girl waiting.  At the very least, I felt done with boys.  I was ready to give away for good the boys clothes, to weed out the boy toys as Asher outgrew them.  When I picked out new things for Hollyn like her carseat and cloth diapers, I almost allowed myself to choose girl-themed patterns.  I was SURE there would be no more boys.  It was just a feeling.  But, being practical, thankfully I didn't act on those suspicions, ya know, just in case.

Then upon getting pregnant at a time when Brian and I have been fervently praying for other blessings, I was consoled by the fact that I was pretty sure this was Hollyn's sister.  Since Hollyn was born I've kept all her outgrown clothes out, accessible, because I had a hunch I may need them again soon enough.  I was consoled that we'd be perfectly split - 2 brothers, 2 sisters.  The bedroom arrangements would be perfect.  I had plans for Hollyn to share with her sister.  I felt that I could handle the delay or NOT getting the blessings we've been praying for, because at least this little surprise would be a girl.

So here I am.  Not yet, if ever, getting what we've been praying for, and now expecting a child that I wasn't prepared to fit into my vision of our family.  And I'm confused.  Where did all those feelings and impressions come from the last 21 months?  How am I going to cloth him, since my sister is expecting a boy as well 2 months before me?  Where is he going to sleep?  How will he have the bond with his older brothers that they share with each other, when he'll be so much younger than them?

And I'm sad.  I realized that those clothes Hollyn outgrew, well, I guess I can take those out of the house. I wasn't prepared to say goodbye to them.  To love them through only one daughter wearing them.  To have only Hollyn's hair to make pretty. If I had thought for one second that she might be my only daughter, I would have tried to appreciate these things more.  I can't stress enough how sure I felt that there would be another girl (which would be this one, since it was to be my last.)

The day after my ultrasound, I had a grieving day.  I'm pretty good at reminding myself of the good in order to shrug off the disappointing, in general.  But last Tuesday I just felt like feeling the sad feelings.  Everything remotely disappointing in my life bubbled to the surface.  I'm sad about medical/health challenges.  I'm sad about life situations.  I'm sad that Brian didn't get into the Navy after he distinctly felt like that was supposed to be what he did with his life.  I'm sad we've had to deal with the same trials our ENTIRE marriage.  Overcoming something, ANYTHING would feel so good.  Or so I imagine. And I'm sad that my impressions and expectations could be so very, very off.

So Tuesday I didn't answer the phone.  I didn't chat with friends.  I just felt.  And cried.  And prayed.  And by the end of the day, as I thought about yet another disappointing aspect of having a little boy, a thought popped into my head of a counter blessing in my life that far, FAR outweighs the disappointing thing.  And I just can't help it.  Apparently, I can't help thinking of all the good in my life, even when I try. :-)

Neat Experience

I sent Brennan and Asher outside to play for a bit today.  After a time, Brennan came running inside telling me he needed a paper because he wanted to make something.  He started explaining how he was talking to a man near our play-structure who had just laid some cement.  (As my eyes got big, Brennan included, "but he wasn't trying to kidnap me, or anything." :-) So he got a paper, wrote his sign, and taped it onto a stick.  The sign read:

Wet sement!
Do not step!
Sement is driing [drying]
workrz
Do not disterb!

While making his sign he told me that the man was guarding the cement while he waited for his boss to come pick him up.  Brennan finished his sign and took it back out.  Not too long after that Brennan returned, sign in one hand, holding something in the other.  He walked in and showed me the dollar bill and pile of coins in his hand.  Apparently, he'd taken the sign and sat on the bench, watching over the cement while the man talked to his now arrived boss.  He returned to Brennan, handed him the money, and told him "thank you for guarding the concrete."  Brennan was incredibly surprised, to say the least!

Brennan counted out the money ($3.80) and added it to his piggybank.  He was going to go upstairs to tell Asher, when I warned that Asher might feel jealous (he'd been out there talking to the man too, but came home while Brennan was making the sign) and that he might want to not tell Asher about it at all.  I was so proud when Brennan instead decided to share some of the bounty with Asher.  How very sweet of him.

Too bad they spent the rest of the day fighting like cats and dogs! :-)

Happy New Year–2013!

Last night, New Year’s Eve, was super fun.  Had Mom and Dad, Shannon and Bryan (plus “Sunshine” spending the night), and Aunt Kim over for games, treats and watching the ball drop.  Nothing big, but I enjoyed it.  Sunshine shared the boys’ room with them and did great.  She only cried when she was waiting for them to join her in the room, but as soon as they did she went right to sleep.   And besides some crib-shaking at 6:45am for a couple of minutes, never heard a peep out of anyone until after 8:30!

When I woke up today the sun was shining.  That’s right.  Gloomy ol’ Oregon got a bit of sun.  It made me feel really good.  Perhaps too good… I determined to get us out for a family hike.  I didn’t intend anything too strenuous, just somewhere new.  Brian agreed so we headed off.  Only I hadn’t gotten clear instructions on the location of the place I had picked.  We headed north on Hwy 99 for a while before I decided that the crossroad we wanted was somewhere else.  So we backtracked and I led us towards my hunch.  I was right, and we found a spot that was clearly the start of many a trail, but I wasn’t totally sure it was “the one”, so Brian drove on.  We enjoyed the drive through the country, fantasizing about living in one of these large beautiful homes with all that property.  It was magical, until Asher started getting carsick anyway.  We seriously had only been on winding roads for about 10 minutes. Sheesh!  I got him a Dramamine minutes before arriving back at the trail heads.

So we finally arrived somewhere hikable, and I had brought some warmth for us – gloves, jackets, a hat for Hollyn… but I overestimated how warm we would get from the exercise, and underestimated just how darned cold it would be in the forest.  It was… cold.  Very cold. My nose burned for a while until it adjusted, Hollyn’s was red.  Yet the boys didn’t say a word of complaint as we trudged up a path.  It was beautiful.  We took a small path leading away from the road and really got into the trees.  We considered turning around several times, but the top always looked to be just 30 feet farther.  Until it would flatten for a bit and continue climbing.   And again, the boys never complained and even ran ahead most of the time.  We made it to the top, but there were so many trees, there wasn’t a view we could appreciate.  When we stopped too, our body temperatures suddenly plummeted again.  So we quickly headed back, this time taking the main way.  But it wasn’t quite as pleasant.

Suddenly, the exertion caught up with the boys and they were tired.  Very tired.  And I had previously been wearing Hollyn’s gloves because her hands were tucked into the backpack at her side (kid-sized, so they fit me great actually).  But for the decent her hands were out so I gave her the gloves and my hands were freezing!  She cried a bit.  Asher cried a lot.  I gave him a piggy-back ride, but he wanted down.  He kept complaining that he needed to throw up.  Eventually Brian scooped him up in his arms and carried him much of the way back down. I think the effects of the Dramamine – which generally knocks a person out – were a big contributor to his mood.  Brennan was tired too, but on his own.  He suddenly regretted being so old/big.

So, lesson(s) learned.  A) Bundle up.  Be prepared for WAY colder temperatures that aren’t offset by any amount of exercise.  B) Quit long before any signs of tiredness.  Obviously we were aiming for that anyway, and they didn’t exhibit signs of weariness when we did turn around.  But still, keep an eye on the clock and gauge it that way or something.  Interestingly, despite the fact that we all walked the same amount, Brian and I will be the only ones sore tomorrow. Kids are amazing.


At the top.  Nothin’ to see. Too cold.


A moment that hasn’t happened in years – Carrying a sleeping Asher!
But still smiling, somehow.

Merry Christmas Season

Well, just like for everyone else, it’s gotten busier around here.  Nothing too much though.  We’ve been taking life in general pretty easy the last few months while I’ve been sick.  Since I’m still suffering many a sick-day, Christmas is pretty low key this year.  Waking up feeling not too bad today, I actually started considering making some Christmas treats, even if just for us.  The idea hasn’t so far been appealing, so there was and is a danger of going completely treatless this year!  I know, The Horror!  Since I’ve given up grocery shopping in favor of sending hubby to the store for a few essentials once or twice a week, who knows if treat making will ever materialize.  Well, we’ll survive. 

I tried to get some tummy shots in a mirror the other day.  It actually doesn’t look nearly as impressive as what I see in the mirror in person, but maybe I’m just fantasizing. Either way, my weight probably hit it’s lowest a week ago, and has been sitting there since, but my pants no longer fit around the waist, so clearly the tummy is growing even if the weight isn’t changing.

Last Wednesday we picnicked in the car and went to Storybook Land in Albany.  It’s a free exhibit of chidren’s scenes (Fairy Tales, Nursery Rhymes, Disney Movies, Christmas villages, model trains, etc.). I took the boys last year and they were a little bored.  Maybe after waiting outside in the freezing cold for over an hour raised their expectations too much.  But this year they l.o.v.e.d. it!  (I didn’t wait ‘til the last night so we only had to wait about a half hour or so outside.) And Hollyn was entralled.  At the end kids could get their pictures with Santa.  The first time for any of our kids, actually.  I’ve never wanted to wait in line/pay anything/etc. But we went for it this time.  Interestingly, all the previous years I’ve played up Santa (“Better behave, or Santa won’t bring you anything”), but this year his existence has almost never come up.  It’s the first time in the last several years no one even wrote him a letter.  When Brennan had his turn and was asked what he wanted for Christmas, he wasn’t even prepared how to answer.  He had to think of something on the spot.

 

We’ve got a full tree this year, but Hollyn has mostly left it alone.  She’s broken an ornament or two and pulled a couple of tags off of some gifts, but she mostly ignores it all.  So that’s going about as well as could be expected.

We’re all doing well.  Yesterday the power went out from about 7:30pm – 8:30pm, then again lasting several hours about 11:30pm.  For that first one, there was a quick flicker, then suddenly it was b.l.a.c.k.  Like, completely black.  Of course our eyes weren’t adjusted anyway, even if the moon had been visible.  Brennan panicked a little.  He and Asher had been upstairs in their room, and made their way down to meet me as I felt my way to the laundry room where our flashlights and candles are kept.  Thank goodness Mom passed along a whole bunch of candles to me years ago.  They’ve always come in handy for these outages, although it’s time to get some more.  All this occurred due to a windstorm, which was pretty exciting to hear.  We were SO close to having the boys in bed on time for once, when all this happened.  In the end it was too exciting and they felt uncomfortable going to bed with all the darkness (despite the fact they don’t use night-lights or anything and always sleep in darkness.)  It was pretty fun though.  Thank goodness for the alarm on Brian’s phone to get us up on time since we were without power almost all night too.